Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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