I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
