can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
