and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
