I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
