3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
now i know why i became what i already was.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
