i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Just saw 2 very young girls abandon baby buggys in the Xwalk to fight. Gotta love Holyoke.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
When did angry sex become our thing?
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
