Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
The beer is more important than you right now.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize
