apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
I party with great urgency now.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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