I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Randomize
