After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Randomize
