I just threw up on my dentist
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
