I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
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