I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
