Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
