he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Randomize
