Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
4 words: hood of his car
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
