No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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