this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Randomize
