My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
