you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
