My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
