Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
