so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
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