Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
So there's 10 guys in this picture..I've made out with 5 of them. does this make me a slut?
eh 50% isn't bad..i'd say 80% is slut material.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
