I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
The uberlube is also flammable
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
