My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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