I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Randomize
