The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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