I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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