I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
