i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
