At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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