I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Randomize
