oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
nutella sex= disaster
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Randomize
