our cab driver is having phone sex.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Well I just put wine in my tea
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
