i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
