at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
