Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
