At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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