He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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