true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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