Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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