and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
