life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Randomize
