he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
