I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
