i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Randomize
