i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
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