I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
