oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
